The Ber St Gates, Norwich

Despite what the previous feller says, this is not in any way, shape or form a "tourist" pub. I imagine he means that it's handy for stringing folk up at the former city gates, and chucking them over the walls on suspicion of being a comer-in or an Ipswich fan. I don't doubt that there are splendid views of the city walls nearby, but also am utterly certain that they are best viewed from well outside this boozer (nearly said "without this boozer" there, it's the city walls reminding me of childhood hymns).

I was in here a couple of years ago.

With a local.

We went in the hopes of a late drink before the licensing laws went all liberal on us and took all the fun out of lock-ins. We needed goggles to cope with the smoke ("You could hang your axe on the smoke in the air", as the Russians say. By the by, they also say "Never go into a Norwich pub, even with a local, without your axe", so we were well set on both counts.) Didn't mind the smoke meself, as I was puffing away on me Marlboro lights, but my ex-professional-smoker mate was sore tempted to blow his last coppers on a cigar, on the theory that it would be better for him to go straight to the source than sit there breathing in everyone else's recycled cancer germs.
As well as our anti-smoke goggles, we also had on a fine pair of beer goggles apiece at this stage of the evening. Notwithstanding, I have to say we weren't that tempted by the local lasses who were taking shelter from the rain while waiting for custom to pick up. In fact they were the only people in there apart from their boyfriends/pimps. It did cross my mind at the time that some of the pimps were better looking than the women and that the division of labour had somehow gone awry in the planning, but it was a long time ago and, as I say, I wasn't at my soberest. We stayed for a (very quick) pint and made our excuses.
Having said that, the landlady/barmaid (Chinese woman) was top-drawer and very friendly. There is a novel in how she ended up in this place for someone who has the time and imagination. There you go, that idea's yours - I won't even take my ten per cent.

I'd go back again for the craich if I hadn't written this review. If I'm in the neighbourhood I'll be packing two axes next time. Me ex-smoker Norwich mate is also keeping a low profile. He's the one with the Ipswich min-replica kit stuck to his rear windscreen.

18 May 2006 00:00